better
FAMILY
This is especially true for families with
tweens and teens passionate about online
games or socializing. Just ask Phoebe
Adams of West Newbury, Massachusetts,
who was recently having dinner with her
husband and 12-year-old son, Jack, when
she realized that Jack had been texting
throughout their conversation.
“The cell phone gives Jack more
opportunities to break away from us, have
privacy, and connect with friends,” she says.
“One thing that troubles me is that it’s rude.
Another is that I don’t even know who he’s
talking to. It’s not like when we were kids,
and our mothers could eavesdrop on our
phone conversations.”
These “mini screens” are particularly
insidious, explains Kim John Payne, M.Ed.,
author of
Simplicity Parenting: How to Raise
" T o h a v e m o m e n t s o f
c a l m i s a f o r m o f d e e p
s u s t e n a n c e , ” s a y s a u t h o r
K i m J o h n P a y n e . " F a m i l y
r e l a t i o n s h i p s a r e b u i l t
i n t o t h e s e p a u s e s . ”
Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids
(Random House 2009), since they can
follow us anywhere. “Parents and children
both need time to decompress and build
relationships, and that’s a lot harder to do if
you’re always at the mercy of technology.”
W hile many of us fantasize about
throwing our laptops and handhelds out the
window, the reality is that we need them,
parent and child alike. But it’s also a reality
that we can—and must—be more protective
of the family time we have and, ideally,
create more.
“To have moments of calm is a form of
deep sustenance for all human beings,” says
Payne. “Family relationships are often built
into these pauses, into the incidental
moments when nothing much is going on.
We need to disconnect from technology to
connect with each other.”
simple ways
Wondering how to turn your family on to turning
off? Our writer Holly Robinson shares easy ways
to limit the electronic company you keep.
1. h o w m u c h is t o o m u c h ?
Each time you consider a new
purchase, take the time to
investigate the pros and cons.
Ask what your child—and your
family—will really gain from
buying another video game, cell
phone, laptop, or iPod. Every
family’s situation is unique. For
instance, a family with two
working parents may decide
their tween needs a cell phone,
while one with an at-home
parent may put off that privilege
until their teen learns to drive.
W hen a new technology does
enter your family’s life, “set clear
limits and consequences about
its use,” says Michael Osit, Ph.D.,
author of
Generation Text:
Raising Well-Adjusted Kids in an
Age o f Instant Everything
(Amacom 2008). He suggests
keeping gaming systems,
televisions, and computers in
common areas rather than in
children’s bedrooms to limit
unsupervised time online. In our
house, we also came up with a
firm “shut down” rule of 9 p.m.
to allow our family more time to
read or talk, and we don’t allow
mini screens in the car unless
the trip is longer than four
hours.
2. p r a c tic e w h a t y o u
p r e a c h
Recently, I was discussing a
project with a client on my cell
phone when I picked up my son,
Aidan, from school. “You’re
always on the phone, Mom,”
Aidan accused later. “It’s like I’m
not even here.” Startled, I
realized that he was right: I was
as much a slave to my
technology as he was to his. As
parenting expert Kim John
Payne points out, “Everyone is
distracted when one member of
the family is distracted. Even if
the kids don’t have their own
cell phones or BlackBerries, they
understand when they have
someone’s attention and when
they don’t.” From then on, I
made a family rule: no talking or
texting on cell phones while
we’re in the car together, eating
meals, playing a board game, or
doing anything else that’s meant
as family time.
3. g r o u p u n p l u g
Turn everything totally off as a
family at least once a day,
especially at dinner. Shutting
everything down for just
30 minutes at a time can have a
big impact on family relations,
2 3 4
MARCH 2010
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